For Christmas and her birthday, the Bear got a tiny tutu and toddler-sized fairy wings from different relatives that just happen to match. Because she’s been sick all week and the weather has been crappy, all she’s wanted to do is wear those two things over her clothes and watch “Tinkerbell” on repeat. Okay, granted it’s pretty adorable, especially when Selena Gomez kicks in with the theme song during the credits and I’m ordered to “Dance! Dance!” along with the tiny spinning blonde fairy in my den. It’s magical and cute and makes me gush over with happy feelings about being a mom and having a little girl and all that mushy gunk I’d hate on anyone else.

However, the cuteness of her attire is wreaking havoc on my already-weak disciplinary resolve. It’s hard enough for me to tell her “No” or to take her away from potentially hazardous things she desperately wants to be entangled in, but this week it’s been particularly difficult, especially when I try to turn off “Tink! Tink!” and get her to do something other than staying glued to the television.

And this week I learned that I’ve never felt like more of a monster than when I have to make a tiny baby fairy cry.

::sigh::

If it wasn’t so pitiful it’d be hilarious.

Attn: Birthday Fairy
Fairy Affairs, Inc.
2nd StartotheRight
Montreal, QC
CANADA

RE: Performance Review

Dear Mr. or Ms. Birthday Fairy,

Look, it’s not any secret that you slacked off miserably last year. Thanks to your friends Election Fairy and St. Claus, this year has already gotten off to a great start, but don’t think for a second that your lousy performance went unnoticed in 2008. In fact, ever since the fabulous Rainbow Brite birthday cake of 2004, you seem to think that I suddenly care less about birthdays in general and/or I simply won’t notice your lack of effort or enthusiasm for such a momentous annual occasion.

And yeah, I know I’ve had a big year. Your friends Wedding Fairy, Baby Gifts Fairy, and Lady Luck have been working overtime to surround me with blessings and happiness, and I’m amazingly grateful for their exquisite professionalism. (For the record, giving me Greg for the birthday of 2007 was pretty amazing, but I’m not so stupid to think you did that without a little help from Cupid and Fate.) However, after the smoke clears from all this New Life excitement, you’re going to be the only one returning on a regular basis and I’m not going to accept anything less than your utmost professionalism from here on out. We have many years of work ahead of us and I’m not going to settle for you becoming slovenly and mediocre. Not now.

So you’re going to pull yourself together and present me with your plan for ramping up the next 50+ years this upcoming Tuesday. I’ve included a list of great Starter Gifts you can provide, but I trust your training to kick in and generate some creativity and spontaneity like it used to. (Also, you’re welcome to cheat off St. Claus’s 2008 work order, although he did an impeccable job with filling it this year, so you’ll need to compare notes with him so as not to repeat tasks as there are so few left.)

This year I want surprises! Magic! Cake! Giggles! Sparklers! Dancing! Singing! Laughter! And don’t try to push this off on one of my fabulous friends just because they keep sending divine gifts to me in staggering abundance (YOU know who you are, Atlanta, NYC, Melbourne, and Charlotte.) I want to see what you’re capable of these days. You’ve had this career long enough; you’ve got the connections. So dust off the wings, polish the wand, grab a cup of java and let’s go.

Otherwise, I’m going to file paperwork to keep Halloween Fairy on board for a few extra months and we’ll turn January 20 into a personal Masquerade Day. I know that would put a few dings in your record. Ah-HEM.

Oh yeah, I’m playing hardball now.

With Most Sincerity,
Castallare

Attachment: Starter List

New Tea Kettle
It can be electric or cast iron; I really don’t care. This $5 one from Wal-Mart has started to rust and I’d like one that could make it the long haul. NOTE: Feel free to fling in some new teas, too. I’m a junkie these days.

Spa Day
I realize this is ridiculous and frivolous, but I’d still love even one of the typical spa treatments I so love. Facial, massage, body wrap, wax job, etc. I’d even take a hot stone treatment with a steam bath at this point. Just a tiny little bit of luxury for a change. Please?

Friday Night Babysitter
Greg goes to his weekly car club meetings, and I really want to start going to bellydance again. It’s a little pricey, but I’d be willing to make a few budgetary cuts to make it work. I just can’t afford a babysitter AND the class and I hate to ask anyone I know, love, and respect to staying in a dark house with a sleeping baby on Friday nights for free.

Smoothie-Friendly Blender
I know, I’ve asked for this before and I have a simply divine KitchenAid food processor [that I use for making scrub] but I’d be living off smoothies alone if I just had an actual blender blender. Please send a durable one that has great consumer reviews because I plan to use this a lot.

A Book Agent
I’ve got a collection of essays I’d like looked at by someone who could work with me about possibly getting it published [one day]. I know how to go about getting an agent, but I just don’t have time to do the networking and auditioning required to find a good one. Recommendations?

5 Buyers
I’m working in sales and haven’t had a bite yet. I’d love a little help in that area if at all possible. And if you can split the interests, I’d love to have a successful soft-launch of the sugar scrub during February. Feel free to pick the spread as you see fit, but even a little help in either of these markets is greatly appreciated. Maybe more if you feel like making up the difference from last year.

New Running Shoes
Not that I do that much cardio [yet,] but I’ve had these for about three years and the various attempts at a workout regimen have shot the support in my beloved New Balances.

And The Usuals List:
Netflix subscription
Gas Card
3-month pass for WW
Benefit Cosmetics gift card
Michael’s Crafts gift card
Small-town coffee shop/used bookshop (in my name, please)
Round-trip ticket to Melbourne, AUS.
Old Cineplex (also in my name, please. I’ll take care of the small business loans.)