On New Years Day, I sat down and did a New Year reading with my Tarot deck. I made sure to write down what card I received for each month on my calendar and have been paying attention to my happenings to see if they’re synching up. So far, they’ve been synchronized only in loose interpretations and retrospect.

It’s no secret that I’ve been over the moon in these last few weeks. Aside from being on a high from us finally moving forward and finally getting away from a town I loathe and finally feeling rewarded for our efforts to change our situation, I’m just in love with my new home. Aside from Sanford being a genuinely wonderful little town, I’m back in North Carolina again, which has always been where I call home, even though I was away for half of my life. (I don’t think I could ever be in South Carolina long enough to consider “Carolina” USC or automatically think that the State Fair is in Columbia. Even after being gone a decade, I still told people, “Well I live in Myrtle Beach now, but I’m from North Carolina.” Kinda pathetic, I guess.) And, although I knew all this time that there were things I missed about North Carolina that South Carolina and/or Myrtle Beach simply doesn’t have, I’m finding that there are dozens of traits about the NC that I’d completely forgotten about altogether. A part of me feels like a kid again, running around in my acre-sized backyard with my brother and sisters… it’s incredible.

Chloe and I drive out of town while Greg’s at work, riding over rolling hills on country roads and gazing out over beautiful farms that all seem hand-selected from a decorator who said, “Okay, the theme here is classic, rural Americana. But I want extra charm!” There are old farm houses pushed back away from the highway, nestled under sprawling oaks with oversized ponds and self-sustaining gardens in the backyard. After years of driving through dusty, flat, dilapidated countryside, I’d forgotten how much I missed that. (Plus, I do love the knowledge that these little farm towns are literally 15 miles away from the state’s biggest, most prestigious cities. It brings it all back down to earth, really.)

We also go on walks around our little neighborhood where Chloe waves to every person we pass and yaps back at every dog. We sometimes walk down to the waterfront of the large pond that sits at our subdevelopment’s entrance and skip stones or point at ducks. (These are days I wish I had my own kayak, even if it’s just to take her out on the water for 10 minutes.)

In the evenings I feed Chloe dinner, give her a bath, and then sit with her on our couch while she watches a Disney Sing-Along-Songs DVD my mom converted from the original tape she bought us in 1986. As she sits, mesmerized and enrapt, I enjoy the way the setting sun shines through the thick leaves off our back deck, breathe deeply in complete relaxation and always, without fail, fight the urge to sob with gratitude and bliss.

I’ve not been bashful about admitting that this is easily one of the best moments of my life. I know, it’s all painfully overdramatic and pretty gross in my gloating of how awesome I feel and how things are going wonderfully for me. I’m even kind of getting repulsed and bored with myself and my own Mary Tyler Moore cheerfulness to an extent, so I’ll be literally amazed if anyone - frequent reader or not - has made it this far. And I also know it can’t last in the ebb and flow of life’s cycles, so I’m absorbing and milking every moment while I can. Although I’m on the edge of my seat with excitement about having a real autumn for the first time in 12 years (not counting my semester in Melbourne, AUS) I know better than to waste my days looking forward to the next thing coming.

But right now, for this one moment, everything is exactly what I’ve dreamed of for us.

Anyway, as I was unpacking more boxes, I came across the calendar that had my 2009 Tarot predictions on each page. When I went to hang it on the wall of my office I flipped to August and abruptly gasped with amused surprise and recognition, feeling my heart swell with even more blubbering, gushing gratitude.

At the beginning of this year, I drew the upright XXI Major Arcana card - better known as “The World”

Of course.

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In case you’re not into Tarot meanings here are some good definitions in addition to the one hyperlinked above:

A Brief Description

A Longer But Less Action-and-Foreward-Movement-Based description

And the Wiki Description

Because I have so much to cover in a very very short amount of time (We still don’t have the Internet at our place so, again, I’m doing all this from the Lee County Public Library where they limit my compy usage to 1.5 hours daily. That’s just inhumane…) I’m going to give you a bulleted list of topics and you can scroll down to the one that interests you the most. See? I keep my readers in mind. Don’t say I never did nothin’ for you.

Also, I’ve been having blog-and-Internet withdrawal so please excuse me if this is rather rambly and self-indulgent. 

1) The Move
a) Elated
b) Nervous
c) Confused
d) Kinda Wistful
2) Meeting People
3) The New Projects

1) The Move
Oh man, it’s like I’ve said before: I’m positive there has never been a single human being more excited about moving to a small town in North Carolina than I have in the last couple weeks. I’m sure the novelty of it all will wear off but, Holy Crap, I feel like I’ve wandered into Pleasantville. I ventured out last Saturday, got myself a little cup of coffee, and checked out the local farmers’ market which was really more of a Stuff Old People Grow in Their Backyards Market, which is actually even better in my book. Anyway, while I was wandering around downtown buying a local paper and taking pics of the town for this here blog, I was delighted to find that every single person who passed me bothered to engage in mini conversations. Not just “Hi, how ya doin’?” but “Good morning! What on earth are you taking pictures of?” type conversations. I’m one of those people who thrives on getting to know local, grassroots culture so this was particularly exciting to me.

Sanford is a pretty cool little town, to be honest. It’s not one of those places that dried up once a Wal-Mart came to town and has one of those downtowns where people actually patronize and enjoy. There are tons of cool old houses where people throw block parties for anyone who wants to swing by. There are two local theatres, including one that I’m auditioning for in the next week but I’ll get to that later. Plus, the whole city is only 45 minutes from the Research Triangle area (Chapel Hill, Raleigh, Durham) and the Triad (Greensboro, Winston-Salem, High Point) so we’re close enough to the awesome forward-motion of city life without having to deal with the traffic and higher rate of crime, etc. (I was jazzed when I realized that we get the free weekly Independent Arts newspaper all the way down here! Culture! Life! Things happening! Whee!)

Also, in talking with some of the local people, this is one of those rare towns where kids are still kids. In Myrtle Beach it wasn’t uncommon for 11 year olds to be talking about giving blow jobs and where to get drugs, but here the kids still believe in Santa Claus until they’re 10 and don’t have cellphones until they start driving. Obviously, they grow more aware of the world as they get older (there’s drugs and sex everywhere) but it’s at a more traditional pace, which I’m a big fan of.

Again, I’m sure the novelty of small town life will wear off eventually but at the moment I’m loving the relief of not having to deal with godawful tourist traffic, not having to look at rundown outlet malls and shady strip clubs everywhere I go, not having to be blinded by neon signs and hideous billboards en route to EVERYWHERE. Getting to be around people who take pride in where they live and strive for better educations than a GED. It feels like I’m back where I started from originally and strangely, that’s exactly what I want right now.

So we’re in the process of unpacking everything in this cute little 2-story, 3 bedroom house in a quiet little neighborhood and are feeling unbelievably optimistic about the whole thing. I like it.

2) Meeting People
It occurred to me that, while living with a small child who isn’t in school, I have the potential to spend the next year in almost complete seclusion. Knowing my history with depression, this sounded like a good way to sink into a state of lonely hopelessness, which is something I prefer to avoid at all costs.

SO! I’ve taken it upon myself to push aside all my weird social anxieties, actually reach out, and meet some people. First, I emailed a local blogger who writes a lot about living a green lifestyle while being a mom. I just wanted to pick her brain about what Sanford life is like, if there were any places she could recommend in the way of preschools, family physicians, etc. Knowing that it’s totally weird to send a probing email to a stranger, i wasn’t really expecting much in the way of a thorough response. However, a few days later I received a 4 page email detailing everything from her preferred childcare centers to where not to get my hair done (apparently they employ drunk stylists). I was doubly impressed that she withheld any discussion of religion or spirituality because she didn’t like to push that sort of thing on people but if I wanted to know more about her church or what sort of spiritual gatherings are in the area, I was more than welcome to ask her about it. Even more impressive was the fact that she picked up on my mention that I wrote in my blog about depression and alcoholism and she casually recommended a psychiatric facility that members of her family had found success with. I was touched and refreshed with the knowledge that there are people here who don’t mind going out of their way to help complete strangers.

Additionally, one of my good friends takes an acting class once a week in Charlotte with a gal from Sanford and sent me her number. Once again, I pushed all my weird insecurities out of the way (By the way, it’s come to my attention just how unbelievably awkward I am, but I’m planning that as a post later on.) and just called her. She and her husband had me and mine over for cards and drinks last night and I was really relieved at how good of a time I had. We all seemed to get along, seemed to be like-minded, seemed to have a lot in common (although her kids are significantly older than mine) and, even though I don’t think we’ll be connected at the hip or anything, it’s so so nice to know someone else in town.

Although this merges into my next bulleted segment, I’ve also made it a point to join a couple Meetup groups and will be attending a tribal bellydance party in a couple weeks. I haven’t been part of a bellydance community in about 2 years but I miss it a lot and would love to meet other people who are into it and may be interested in traveling to events, etc. I’m thinking once I get settled I may attempt a book club in the area but that’s a few months off. Anyway, the point is that I’m trying, dammit.

3)The New Projects
At the moment, I’m having so much momentum from the move and the possibilities of new opportunity that I’m not sure where to put my immediate interest. The thing is, I’ve been wanting to get my writing career back on track and pay attention to working on a byline and getting a portfolio under my belt. (I just picked up an old Playboy from my collection a few days ago and realized that Sloane Crosley has been getting published WAY longer than I’d originally thought. Since she’s around my age, I kind of strangely consider her a peer and a bit of a pace-setter, although this usually leads to unnecessary comparisons between her career and mine and then the ensuing frustration that I’m not anywhere close to where I’d like to be.)

And then I just decided to do my first theatre audition in like, 3 years, so I’m preparing a monologue and short song for that. I’ve really wanted to get back into theatre but was really hesitant with the knowledge that it will eat a LOT of time and evenings with Greg. After talking about it and getting his encouragement and blessing, I’m going ahead with it and I guess we’ll navigate through our schedules if I’m actually presented with an opportunity for a role.

After taking the GRE, I’ve been looking at psychology degree programs and/or counseling certification programs. I’m ELATED to be in North Carolina as the university educations accessible from my location are incredible and seem ideal for what I want to do. This is something I probably won’t have the freedom or funding to get into for another year or so but I know I need to start working on applications and financial aid sooner than later so I’m not crunched for time.

And then there are countless extraneous things I’ve just been putting off for various reasons like working on scrapbooking these hundreds of photos from the last year and getting this website up and running and following up on my applications for grants for this book I’m writing. I don’t know how I plan to actually do all of this but I know I want them all to fit into my 5 Year Plan (such a ridiculous stereotypical idea…) and I know that means I actually need to do them. It just feels like everything’s been on hold since we’ve been waiting around to see if we’d be moving, so I hope that I can actually get back to living once we get settled in.

And THEN I noticed that there’s this old movie theatre for sale in downtown Sanford that flickered back to life that crazy dream I have of opening a mini multiplex that would consistently feature 1 indie/foreign flick, 1 children’s flick, 1 old film and 1 recent film and lend itself to a plethora of audiences. (I’ve written about it before but can’t seem to find the entry about it at the moment.) I’d love to do stuff like have a “Wizard of Oz” week where we play the movie all week and then have a big “Wizard of Oz” party on the last night. Same with “Rocky Horror” or “Tommy” or “Grease” or “Sound of Music” or any array of cool cult-y classics. Anyway, I’m going to call the realtor in charge to ask what the going price is…
… A girl can dream, right?

So that’s life in brief. Again, I’m using a compy that’s not my own so I don’t feel right posting pics at the moment. It’ll happen soon but I’m sure isn’t pertinent or urgent to anyone’s well-being so I’m not terribly worried about it at the moment.

In brief though: We’re happy. We’re optimistic. We’re relieved. We’re grateful.

These are all incredibly refreshing feelings.

or - A Postmature Striking-Out-On-One’s-Own from a Giant Dependent Wuss

Okay, here’s the thing. (“Get outta my waaay! You A-list bores. My Prada shoooes! Are as good as yours.”) I’m not a fan of Myrtle Beach. At all. When I first moved here in 1997 I was 15, so moving to a cool party town was rad and we had a lot of cool places to hang out on Friday nights (until someone’s mom came to pick us up.) And then the second year it all kind of soured for me. The overzealous neon, the realization that we’re the town blue-collar America comes to to get drunk, make bad decisions and leave, the scores of abandoned businesses and run down buildings (I used to joke that Green Day’s “Boulevard of Broken Dreams” must’ve been inspired by one of the band’s visits to Myrtle Beach and/or Ocean Boulevard. I even won an award for a piece about how it was a sick irony that this place is known as the Grand Strand) the canned tourist-centric entertainment that slides by as our only source of local “cultural arts.” (Except for the fine productions out of Coastal Carolina University, actually. They bring in some great acts and have a very talented theatre department for what they have to work with.) It all just got to be a little gross and sad. And then there was the whole “party town” mentality. While there are drugs and seedy areas of any town, only tourist towns have a guaranteed shipment of new drugs and fresh debauchery every single weekend. But really, just sitting in awful, poorly-planned traffic in sweltering heat on flat, tacky highways or flinching at the shamelessness of the bawdy advertising and outrageous gimmicks got to be more than I could handle.

But obviously, there are things unique to this area that I absolutely adore and will miss dearly. I love being near the beach. Sure, it’s crowded and tacky in places and our guests rarely clean up after themselves but there are stretches of beach in residential areas that everyone local knows about, where you’re likely to run into someone you know and you can spread out as much as you want any time of the year. There are beautiful waterways and rivers and marshes for kayaking, there are a few old buildings with rich historical value, there’s an element of small-town charm if you venture just past the city limits. There’s also been a small undercurrent of very cool artsy, “alternative” music and people that takes a little bit of searching and comes in waves but makes dealing with flashy, knockoff-Vegas-style shows a little bit bearable. (These movements come in spurts where there are a couplethree years of stuff happening and people creating and cool hangouts are thriving - anybody remember the Irish pub where Kono Asian Grill now is that was actually run by hip, Irish twentysomethings? or the Lazy i where everyone was friends somehow and we’d go and cheer for terrible screamo preteens just as loudly as we would for Against All Authority or any of the 20 bands Michael was in or when Garrett sang Queen covers on a mic plugged into a keyboard and called himself “Starchildren”? Or even the godawful open mics at Slacker 77? - but because the cool, hip scene here usually consists of poor poor hipsters, these businesses close, the artists move to other cities and the beautiful garage bands get married, have kids and move to the suburbs. There’s a new era of coolness picking back up with the opening of a few cool new spots and the new burlesque troupe and a few decent bands showing up. And I’m so so very proud of the Roundtable Art Group that was started by a few guys I went to art school with and is still thriving, showcasing young local artists in posh venues and events. It makes me hopeful!) There are people here I’ve called friends longer than any others before them that I am very lucky to have known and will miss for a very long time. So, like all places, there are things and people that I am lucky to have known.

The thing is, by 26, most people have successfully gotten away from home for a while and found themselves and, even if they’ve decided to come back to the physical Point A, they’re still rather in control of their lives and their location. Not me, man. And this is embarrassing. When I graduated high school in 2001 I was totally stoked to be going off to a great liberal arts university in a beautiful area of North Carolina where there was culture and life and ever-budding intellect and opportunity. However, due to an abusive relationship, a drinking problem, a suicide attempt, a stint in a mental hospital, and a GPA that doubled as a bargain gas price, I found myself planted back in my parents’ house in two short years, going to technical college and having a massive lesson about humility shoved down my throat. And I. Was. Miserable. (Mostly with myself but that would take a couple years of sobriety and therapy to uncover, wrestle with, and get over.) I wanted out so badly but had absolutely no drive to do anything productive so I kind of wallowed around in general academic progression. I transferred to an actual university in town that we’d always considered a glorified high school (but is really blowing that reputation out of the water these days) and planned to leave and transfer somewhere awesome once I got a couple years under my belt… then I planned to bolt after I got my undergrad degree… then we decided to leave after the baby came… and then we thought we should wait until Greg had been with his job for a year… and then we were waiting around for anyone to reply to our dozens of job applications… And then I looked up and realized that I’ve been here for six whole years wishing I was somewhere else.

The weirdest part about all of this is that, in the last 3-ish years, since I finally sobered up and finally started acting like I wanted to graduate and finally got rid of my high-school sweetheart/shitsack and finally started doing things that I’d always wanted to try (photography, journalism, bellydance, metaphysical meditation, kayaking) I’ve really created a comfortable niche here full of loving, cool, positive people who make me feel amazing about myself and don’t care that I tend to be completely self-indulgent and/or self-obsessed. Since early summer 2006, I’ve been really really happy where I am. (This was a lesson I recognized and accepted when Chloe arrived and God made it obvious that he wanted me to learn how to be happy anywhere I was… I’m not completely dim.)

So it all kind of feels like I’m doing a second take on this whole Having an Adult Life as I’m leaving town this time. It feels like the same sort of goodbyes and ambitious optimism most people feel when they graduate high school and while I realize that I absolutely needed to be home to get my mind together, I’m a little embarrassed to be doing this whole leaving thing so long after everyone else my age has.

And also, I - as well as my family - am more than a little nervous about having the safety net of nearby relatives taken out from under me, like I’m taking the training wheels off my Parenting bike. But even moreso, there’s the idea that I’ll have yet another mental collapse and come crawling back in shambles, doomed to live my entire life within 5 miles of my parents who will inevitably come in and make everything better. Granted, a LOT of things are different this time; I have a partner who loves and supports me, I have a child who’s dependent on my sanity, I have years of therapy and an obsessive tendency to keep tabs on my mental stability, I have a lot more drive and confidence in my life’s general direction, and I think it’s safe to say that the hand I’m playing is significantly more in my favor than last time.

So we’re both really optimistic. The town we’ll soon call home is about 20 minutes from where I grew up, which is kind of funny to me because I remember being 13, obligatorily miserable in my jr. high lifestyle and aching to get out to anywhere else. Now a small town just outside of a few exciting metropolitan areas that has it’s own little identity and humble culture and peacefulness sounds like a perfect first step for us out on our own.

This excitement will not enable any sort of logical sleep pattern for the next couple weeks, though. I’m accepting this now so I won’t be blindsided with exhausted delirium from lying awake all night pondering my current life’s ultimate status… Sometimes I feel a little too much like Angela Chase.

Still, more than nervous or in the throes of bittersweet sentiment, I’m excited. I’ve been waiting for this for a while and I’m glad the Universe has finally given us the green light for some definite forward movement.