I’m still kind of in awe with how much I love my husband.

Usually, when I say that I love him, it’s more of a declaration (Like, “My husband brought me flowers and let me sleep in. I looove hiiim.” although not always in response to gifts or kindness, of course.) but recently it’s been a kind of s surprised realization as I’m reflecting on how much more massive my love for him is in comparison to anything I’ve ever been a part of before.

Here’s where I’m going with this: My feelings of love come not only from the incredible joy he brings my life but from the unbelievable relief I feel with him from the pain usually associated with my love life. For yeeeeaaars, my ideas of what made a functional relationship were so skewed and generally fucked up that I’d made a lifestyle out of tolerating bullshit and abuse from my romantic partners and accepting that earth-crumbling feeling of betrayal as something that was just a natural part of any relationship. But now, about every few months or so, I stop and realize how far away I’ve been from that lifestyle since I’ve been with him. There’s never been a night we went to bed angry, there’s never been that terrible feeling in my gut when I caught him doing something horrible behind my back, there’s never been a time where I was made to feel guilty for something he’s done wrong, and there’s never ever been a single moment where I’ve worried about his whereabouts or motives or activities away from me. It’s amazing.

And, in turn, it’s made me step up my game too. When I was in shitty relationships before now, my partner usually never cared enough about me to worry about where I was, who I was with, etc. When I lied about something it was rarely discovered and when it was all was easily forgotten as said partner never wasted too much time focusing on how to repair our ever-deteriorating trust in each other. I still went above and beyond my basic relationship responsibilities in most cases, being generous with gifts and time and effort but I was never held accountable for any crappy behavior this state of apathy allowed me to get away with. With my husband, I see that he’s always emotionally available, he’s always honest, he’s always keeping me and the Bear in the forefront of his mind and all his efforts to maintain an ideal relationship gives me the drive to provide him with the same in return.

This is not to say we never have arguments and never make mistakes, of course. The difference is that the problems and mistakes we do encounter are never ever based in fear or mistrust or any completely trivial mind-fuckery. The problems are usually exterior and, when they’re not, we’re able to honestly tackle them together instead of having to rely on one party to straighten out their crappy behavior or mentality.

And trying to keep up with him has changed me in ways I never would’ve thought possible a few years ago. I’ve always been one for secrets and lies, always into hiding away into vices and escapes from the immediate pains of my daily life but, being with someone who a) doesn’t make me hurt and b) doesn’t resort to lies or secrets himself has driven me to get rid of this sort of sick mentality of mine (which I thought was impossible considering I’d done it for so so long.) I’ve become more patient and tolerant which may not look like much in comparison to him but is pretty tremendous in comparison to what I used to be like a few years ago. (In fact, recently I’ve been AMAZED with how I’ve been able to maintain my decorum - just for the sake of my husband’s peace - around exterior antagonists.) It sounds like such a line but he’s made me a better person… or at least given me the drive to hold myself to higher standards.

And I’m positive I’ve never been more proud of anyone (anyone) in my life. In addition to jumping on board with the unexpected pregnancy and working his ass off to make me and the Bear comfortable, he’s one of those people who says he wants to do things and then makes them happen. Every time. But even more impressive is the fact that he’s remarkably selfless in his work and efforts to provide for us.

My major example is this: a while ago, the company he has been working for was about to lay him off due to this superawesome economy but a few of his coworkers cared enough about him to move around some funds and use him to replace a few outside contractors. Not only did that sort of generosity say a lot about my husband’s character but it said an incredible amount about the kindness of everyone at said company. But, while we were both incredibly grateful that he even had a job at all, the one he was designated was one requiring mindless physical labor that was usually performed by high school dropouts or immediate graduates. My husband did this work diligently and thoroughly but was constantly questioning himself and his talents because of the nature of work and was unbelievably self-conscious about what this sort of work said about him as a person. I kept trying to explain to him that it’s far less impressive for a family’s breadwinner to be working hard and raking in millions. I’m much more proud that I have a partner who will toss his ego to the side and do what he needs to do to provide for his family, even if it’s work that requires no intelligence or talent. In fact, I think having a husband who took this job with no questions asked and performed it to the best of his abilities without a moment’s hesitation is an incredible testament to his character and fills me with pride and gratitude at having someone so amazing to trust with the rest of my life.

Now, as we’re looking to move to a new town in a different state because of a job opportunity he beat out 60 local applicants for, I’m somehow even more full of pride and gratitude that I’m able to count on him during this and any other forward movements we as a family will make. It’s really an incredible feeling that I fight the urge to gush about daily and am literally constantly overflowing with joy about. I still battle the feelings of doubt and guilt I experience when wondering what I possibly did to deserve a husband and a daughter who are so emotionally fulfilling but, knowing what a waste of time that is, I try to focus on positive! Forward moving! Happy! Love!

I do love my husband.