I hit the wall today and crumpled. I sobbed harder than I can remember; I hurt worse than I have in many, many years.
I have encountered yet another freakish, unbelievable health problem that is confusing and scary and for which there is no absolute cure. It is very taboo, so much so that I am not comfortable discussing it publicly yet. I am too tired of being belittled, not taken seriously, and mocked with horrible stigmas to handle such hurtful ignorance and rejection right now.
Greg also collapsed under the sudden weight of yet another roadblock yesterday. It broke my already aching heart. In the last 6 years, he has dealt with continuous curve balls regarding my health. First there was an unexpected baby, which forced him to fling himself into work and support us while I was unemployable. Then there was my mental illness that continued to be undiagnosed until just last year. Finally, when it seemed I would finally be able to love him freely and spoil him with the unconditional support and physical attention he deserves, I am given another barrier, another thing to overcome, that is already driving us apart and forcing me to pull myself away from me because it physically hurts my body too much to interact with him.
In the last few months when I have felt better, he has finally allowed himself to feel all the emotions he’s suppressed over the years in order to plug away and keep our family afloat financially and emotionally. I saw him become debilitated with relief and the impact of the toll my burdens have taken on him. He slept for days. He had anxiety about being able to reconnect with us on an emotional level because he has become so insecure with himself. Because of his selflessness and inability to focus on himself, he has lost a sense of self and the ability to be happy with himself and his own company. This was one of his most appealing features when we met, and I can see that the lifestyle my presence has created for us has beaten this out of him. He has been seeing a therapist to deal with me and the effect I have had on him because he is unable to share his struggle with me. These things are not fabricated; they are hard evidence.
Greg has never hurt anyone deliberately or devastated anyone’s feelings in his life because of his own dysfunctions. I have, more times than I can count. I finally am in a mental place and in a relationship in which I can shower my partner with love and smother him with all the luxuries he has unconditionally given me. But because of my constant ailments, I am constantly unable to do this.
I am slowly breaking him. I see this. It hurts me worse than any guilt I have ever experienced. I know these health problems are not my fault; I know that I have been working defiantly to give him the wife and Chloe the mother they both deserve, but I am becoming disheartened at my continuous inability to deliver these things. I am seeing evidence that I am a drain on the person who has loved me the most fearlessly and unconditionally, and I cannot help but think that he will continue to give until there is nothing left of him.
I love him too much to let that happen. This I know as fact. I will not waver on this belief.
Greg deserves someone who will give him what he deserves instead of someone who will slowly suck every wonderful thing out of him. As I cried, he began to blame himself for sharing his emotions with me because he believed they were what was hurting me the most. I assured him that they weren’t; they were among the two things that kept me fighting for a better life when I was sick – the other being the fact that my beautiful daughter deserves an awesome mother.
If it had not been for either of these, I would not be here today. I mean that sincerely; I would not have had the courage or responsibility to keep working for a solution even when there was no end in sight and no hope that it would come. I was hospitalized a second time for suicidal intentions less than a year before I met Greg and conceived Chloe. Since then, I have had the worst mental episodes of my life, but, despite them, I have never once considered suicide. I fully believe things have played out this way on purpose.
I realized that the only better choice I have than removing myself from their lives is to control what I can while I continue to work for better health. I have been given the necessary gifts to continue this far; I am not foolish enough to dismiss them now, not when they seem to be aligning so perfectly. I feel so connected to God/Spirit/the Universe’s intentions for me.
I have this book I have been working on slowly for the last ten years that is almost finally complete. It is something I believe in more than anything I have ever produced. I believe it will be great. I believe it will bring us success that will relieve some of the burdens from Greg, as he is always preoccupied with our finances and the feeling that he has no room for failure. I believe that, right now, in this moment, working to get this writing work out into the market is the best use of my energy with the most immediate hope of helping us morally.
So I will continue to work to be physically better and I will continue to work at what I know I can do best and that I will flourish at, until there is a day when I can’t anymore. That day isn’t today. It probably won’t be for a long while. It may never come, but I can’t worry about that right now. I want to do what I can while I can.
Greg deserves that and so much more, because he has always given me exactly that. I don’t have any idea what this new obstacle will present to require changes in my life; I don’t know how this will affect our relationship or what potential it has to damage him further. I can’t worry about that or it will sap the energy from me, which is too valuable to jeopardize.
I am thankful for his love and for my mental clarity right now; otherwise, this would be impossible.