Dear Birthday Fairy,
I made a mistake. I kind of took you for granted last year and just assumed you’d deliver magic like you did in 2009 (remember? Snow and Obama on the same day?!), so I didn’t nag you with specific requests and kinda got stuck with diddly stuff. And this year I forgot to ask Christmas fairy for any silly indulgences so I had to make a lot of returns at Bed Bath and Beyond due to people who believe that more “stuff” given = more love shared. (::Sigh::)

So, my bad. Anyway, I hope you’ve had a great year and are taking care of yourself. The list is in order from “Things I’ll Try to Get Even If You Don’t” to “Frivolous Things I Can Live Without”

Let’s get started!

Ammo for my Dream Garden
I finally have the time, the will and the yard to build the Backyard of my [budgeted] Dreams, but I need a little help. There’s a pile of here-and-there’s that I need (like a wheelbarrow, hedge-trimmers. mortar, bricks/stones, etc) and I want at least a bazillion things from a local nursery (I’m going to have a flower garden AND a vegetable garden with fruit trees! There’s a lot of plantery to be procured!) so, really, if you wanna just send some money for that local nursery or a gift card to Lowe’s/Home Depot, that works for me. I won’t be picky.

Invisible Shelves
Look, I have a crapload of books. I’ve read about 75% of them and have the other 25% in a giant stack/pile/mound beside my nightstand (where they HAVE to stay because I’m one of those people who reads 5 books at the same time. For example, this week I’m simultaneously reading “In Defense of Food”, “Fargo Rock City”, “Man and His Symbols” and the autobiographies of both Mae West and Tallulah Bankhead), which drives my husband bonkers because, apparently, they’re a fire hazard or a potential home for a colony of rodents or impossible to surmount or something… So, with these cool bookshelves, I can make my clutter look like some sort of wizardry! And who doesn’t want that? In fact, maybe he’ll be so astounded by my coolness that he won’t yell at me for spending money on more books than I’ll ever be able to read ever!! Win/win!

Looks like books are just hangin' out on the wall! Cooool!

Running Shoes
I like New Balance but, because I only update running shoes every 2-3 years, I don’t know much about the styles. I just know that I’m not much of a runner. But when I do it, I’m gonna need shoes that have tread on them. Unlike the ones I have now.

Yoga Mat
It has become apparent that getting into a couple poses once or twice a day is something I enjoy, which is weird because regimented exercise has always been one of those things I hate so very, very much. However, if I’m gonna do this, I at least need a decent mat because I’ve got rugburn like whoa.

Exercise ball
Doing repetitions of weird acrobatics is another weird thing I like to do on days around the house; however, my original exercise ball burst when the cats discovered its launching abilities. Fantastic.

Another Trip to Burning Man

Guess which one is a surgeon?

Alright, I’ll tell you right now that I’d sacrifice every single thing on this whole list to get back out to the Playa this year. I ached to go for the 7 years leading up to last year’s trek but, now, after having been, I’m afraid I’m going to miss it so badly I’ll hurt the whole week it’s going on. This being said, there’s no way we can make a trip like that work. I know people are always saying “there are ways” and “you just have to budget your money” and all that noise but honestly? It’s impossible for us to go again. Like I’ve said, if we hadn’t been handed that $1,000 prize for the exclusive purpose of going to the event last year, we never ever would’ve considered it (even if we’d won that same amount of money from another source.) When I went, it hurt when people kept saying “Well, there’s always next year” because I knew and still know that, for the foreseeable future, the 2010 trip to the Burn will be a once-in-a-lifetime trip. And I made sure to savor it as such and be incredibly grateful for the opportunity to do so.

But, man, it’d be great to get out there again.

The Following Books
Believe it or not! There are only a couple!

DIY Delicious
‘Cause I wanna learn how to make stuff from scratch

How to Build a Fire and other Handy Things Your Grandfather Knew

Or anything else on My Amazon Wish List

A Wax Seal Press
Not with my initials or a fleur de lys, please.

See? ah-like so...

Those Pretty, Pretty Peacock Shoes of Magicalness
I will never own them if you don’t deliver, Birthday Fairy. I’m just putting that out there. Size 9, please!

But look how preeeetttyyyy!

Toy Story 3 and/or Ponyo on DVD
These are actually gifts for the Bear, but also for me; we haven’t been able to return “Toy Story 3″ to Netflix in a month because the Bear looooves it so much. So, essentially, we’ve been renting it by the month. I don’t mind either movie and would like to have my Netflix service back, so owning these is kind of just practical, even though usually I feel like owning DVDs is a total racket.

The Just Ducky Tea Infuser
I actually bought one of these for my grandmother-in-law, but I didn’t have the funds at the time for another. They’re so cute and GENIUS; when your tea is sufficiently submerged, the ducky floats! How cute is that!?

He's adorable! And practical!

Homemade, Artsy Stepping Stones
Ideally, these would be made by a friend of mine who does mosaics, but I also like the idea of having a number of artists/friends make super pretty stepping stones for my garden, since the plain, cinder ones are a drag. And I hate the ones that come in kits that have whimsical stuff written all over them. I don’t even necessarily want them to be any more than pretty broken glass shoved into concrete; they’ve just gotta be colorful and shiny. Or hook me up with the materials and I’ll do it myself.

Coconut Lime Verbena Shampoo/Conditioner/Lotion/etc.

Look, I just don’t have $7.50 to spend on mediocre shampoo I’m only going to get 6 uses out of. However, having my hair smell like a tropical vacation wonderland in the middle of the winter is a true joy and delight and, frankly, that Suave coconut scent is whack. (Yeah, I said it.) This stuff is amazing and luxurious and lets me leave my [usually harried] shower feeling like I just sipped a Cranberry and Malibu Rum on the beach. Also, this is the first time I’ve excitedly wanted something from Bath and Body Works since I was 12.

A Skateboard and a Cool Skater to Teach Me How
I’ve just always wanted to learn. I figure 28 is as young as I’ll ever be again, so let’s do this thing.
Also, I’m really glad I’m learning how to do this in an age when JNCOs are no longer cool or else I’d have to add “dental insurance” to this wishlist.

Nonjudgmental girl preferred.

A Pretty Pretty Necky Kayak

Long distance-style. Color optional. (Clear would be cool, too, actually!)

Still on the list, dude. Still wide open to receiving it. Still living in a place with tons of water. Just FYI.

If none of those things sound like the sort of thing you’re into, feel free to grab me a gift card to Whole Foods, Ten Thousand Villages, World Market, Adam and Eve (or AdamEve.com. And, yes, I know I work for Passion Parties, but PP doesn’t sell some of the stuff I like from A&E), Pin Up Girl Clothing or the Flying Biscuit. Or a domestic, round-trip plane ticket to NYC to see my sister. Any of the above, really. Do what’s right for you.

If you want to just drop the hint to my husband that I’d REALLY like to go out to Taverna in Raleigh for wonderful Greek food and then somewhere to see something awesome (like a stand-up comedian or a concert or an indie film) or do something awesome (karaoke, rodeo, night at a B&B, ice-skating, laser tag, ghost hunting, indoor skydiving), that’d be perfectly acceptable and, actually, more exciting than the invisible bookshelves. Again, I’m open to creativity.

Thank you again for your time and effort.

Most sincerely,
Liz

I realize how weird it sounds to be freaking out about turning 27. And, although a lot of my favorite musicians have joined The 27 Club, a fear of keeling over in the next year isn’t what’s driving my hyper-anxiety.

The reason for my general thematic weirdness is two-fold (and don’t worry; this isn’t going to be one of those “Wahhh, me.” posts. It has a positive spin. I’m getting to be pretty talented at those, actually. So here’s Exhibit Seventyleven.) although they’re directly correlated, so I’m not going to break them up, bullet-point-style.

The thing is that a LOT of the people I admire were doing great things by this point in their lives. Yes, okay, I know I’m not supposed to live my life based on what everyone else is doing, Mom. And I’m definitely using this as fuel to propel myself forward. (My friend said something to me that I’ve plastered to my mental bathroom mirror: “Don’t get jealous; get better.” That’s now one of the twelve mantras I repeat to myself every morning.) But there’s a big part of me that’s wondering what it is that’s causing me to take so effing long to get started already. And then I start to worry that I am “started”, which really bothers me because I simply don’t want to settle on a life that’s just mediocre.

Please don’t take that last statement to mean that I somehow loathe my present lifestyle or that I’m ungrateful for all the things that’ve been given to me - I’m certainly not. On a personal level I’ve been given such an incredibly rich life full of awesome people and experiences that I still have trouble believing that I deserve it. However, on a much larger scale I’ve started awakening to the knowledge that I just may not be One of Those People who revolutionizes anything or changes anything or makes any sort of permanent mark on humanity. I know not everyone can be Gandhi or Jim Henson or MLK or Mukhtaran Bibi but there’s always been a part of me that really believed I was going to be some sort of incredibly world-altering human when really, I’m far more likely to blend in with the status quo. I do my best to be great in that role (I help people, I work on bettering myself, I give outwardly, etc.) but something about being nondescript in The Grand Scheme and eventually forgettable really has started to bother me. And I could clamor around and make a bunch of noise and try to make myself important or outstanding but that’s ultimately hollow and demoralizing. The truth is, I feel like I’ve never had an original or revolutionary thought or action in my life and it makes me wonder what the hell my life’s effort is going to matter at all.

However, I’m not going to use my complete lack of unoriginality as a means to hide out and not make any use of my life; if anything it gives me more freedom from Fear of being misunderstood or flat-out rejected [which - again, I know - shouldn't dictate my actions to begin with but onethingatatimepeople.]

The other thing that I’ve gotten so caught up in during this pre-27 era is the realization that I’ve wasted so much tiiiime. 26 was an incredibly revolutionary year in terms of liberating myself from the mental lurch I’ve been lodged in since I was 13 but now, just after resurrecting myself and finally rinsing off all the slop I’ve been carrying around for ages, I’m aghast at how much tiiiime I wasted. I wasted time hating myself and hesitating because unimportant people told me I should. I wasted time sitting around being depressed because I didn’t have the balls or the knowledge to get treated (something I’m hoping to help combat publicly in the next few years… more on that later). I wasted 6-ish years being completely monopolized by an on-again-off-again abusive relationship with a genuine idiot who was never worth a second look (all realized in retrospect, of course.) I wasted years and thousands of dollars on substances to cloud my mind enough to suspend me in that miserably comfortable mental state and prevent me from moving forward. And that’s just the big stuff I wasted that pretty much manifested in a mind of mush and a rearview muddied with carnage that I’d have to waste even more time in therapy and sobriety trying to salvage and repair. All of that instead of actually getting out there and having a damned life.

I’m trying not to waste time being embarrassed by all that wasted time. Or kicking myself for what I “coulda” been doing instead. (Writing, getting better at guitar, getting into shape, traveling, getting my Master’s degree, avoiding mental hospitals, etc.)

So the way I’m [choosing to] see(ing) it is that my life is being played out in [rough] 13-year cycles. The first 13 years were pretty amazing with the ideal childhood in the blissfully adorable small town. Then the next 13 years were spent with soul-draining bullshit (some external, most internal) that I got to wade through and destroy myself within and then dig myself out of and rebuild my Whole Self in the wake of. And, at the end of 26, everything is miraculously in place to start the next real Chapter. All the loose ends are tied up, all the years of psychotherapy have produced permanent functional tools to combat my chronic chemical mental problems, while my self-inflicted mental problems have been sufficiently quashed, and, finally, all the inner turmoil and self-denial that has just been an inherent part of my identity since I was 13-ish has finally (FINALLY) dissipated.

I’m in a really really good place. Finally. Emotionally, spiritually, physically, mentally… I am well. And I am happy. And I think that’s the first time I’ve been able to say that for a very very long time.

So I’m taking this renewal and this bag of tools I’ve picked up in the last decade-and-change and using it to fund Chapter Three. Oh sure, I’m still going to have a handful of neuroses and Fears (who doesn’t?) but I’m using those to drive me forward instead of sitting around dwelling on a past that I’ve already cured. (I did say “FINALLY”, right?) Those Fears and neuroses are the ones I’m choosing to keep in my pocket instead of ones that involuntarily anchor me in place. I think that’s healthy. Natural, even.

In Chapter Three I want to be strong and healthy. I want to have clear goals and actually achieve them. I want to stay true to the principles I know in my heart to be Right and motivated by Love. I want to live a life I’m proud of. I want to continue to keep myself motivated by Love and I want to continue to recognize the things that have made and continue to make me genuinely Happy. I want to remain grateful and gracious. I want to continue to pursue a lifestyle of serenity.

For my 27th birthday, I am giving myself the daily pledge and reminder to “Be Better Today.” I can’t wait to see where that puts me for Chapter 4.

Happy Birthday to me!

Oh, you’re good.

First, there are over 2 million people at The Mall in DC who are all singing, dancing, and filled with joy and hope, being televised across the globe. Then you make it snow in Myrtle Beach. All before 10 a.m.

Whoa. Way to pull out the stops!

I’m going to be hanging out, trying to fight back big, happy tears during this whole Inauguration thing (I’m such a bloody-hearted liberal) and then watching my three favorite films all afternoon while playing with my little girl. Feel free to keep the magic coming.

P.S. Thank you. I’m sorry I ever doubted your professionalism.

Attn: Birthday Fairy
Fairy Affairs, Inc.
2nd StartotheRight
Montreal, QC
CANADA

RE: Performance Review

Dear Mr. or Ms. Birthday Fairy,

Look, it’s not any secret that you slacked off miserably last year. Thanks to your friends Election Fairy and St. Claus, this year has already gotten off to a great start, but don’t think for a second that your lousy performance went unnoticed in 2008. In fact, ever since the fabulous Rainbow Brite birthday cake of 2004, you seem to think that I suddenly care less about birthdays in general and/or I simply won’t notice your lack of effort or enthusiasm for such a momentous annual occasion.

And yeah, I know I’ve had a big year. Your friends Wedding Fairy, Baby Gifts Fairy, and Lady Luck have been working overtime to surround me with blessings and happiness, and I’m amazingly grateful for their exquisite professionalism. (For the record, giving me Greg for the birthday of 2007 was pretty amazing, but I’m not so stupid to think you did that without a little help from Cupid and Fate.) However, after the smoke clears from all this New Life excitement, you’re going to be the only one returning on a regular basis and I’m not going to accept anything less than your utmost professionalism from here on out. We have many years of work ahead of us and I’m not going to settle for you becoming slovenly and mediocre. Not now.

So you’re going to pull yourself together and present me with your plan for ramping up the next 50+ years this upcoming Tuesday. I’ve included a list of great Starter Gifts you can provide, but I trust your training to kick in and generate some creativity and spontaneity like it used to. (Also, you’re welcome to cheat off St. Claus’s 2008 work order, although he did an impeccable job with filling it this year, so you’ll need to compare notes with him so as not to repeat tasks as there are so few left.)

This year I want surprises! Magic! Cake! Giggles! Sparklers! Dancing! Singing! Laughter! And don’t try to push this off on one of my fabulous friends just because they keep sending divine gifts to me in staggering abundance (YOU know who you are, Atlanta, NYC, Melbourne, and Charlotte.) I want to see what you’re capable of these days. You’ve had this career long enough; you’ve got the connections. So dust off the wings, polish the wand, grab a cup of java and let’s go.

Otherwise, I’m going to file paperwork to keep Halloween Fairy on board for a few extra months and we’ll turn January 20 into a personal Masquerade Day. I know that would put a few dings in your record. Ah-HEM.

Oh yeah, I’m playing hardball now.

With Most Sincerity,
Castallare

Attachment: Starter List

New Tea Kettle
It can be electric or cast iron; I really don’t care. This $5 one from Wal-Mart has started to rust and I’d like one that could make it the long haul. NOTE: Feel free to fling in some new teas, too. I’m a junkie these days.

Spa Day
I realize this is ridiculous and frivolous, but I’d still love even one of the typical spa treatments I so love. Facial, massage, body wrap, wax job, etc. I’d even take a hot stone treatment with a steam bath at this point. Just a tiny little bit of luxury for a change. Please?

Friday Night Babysitter
Greg goes to his weekly car club meetings, and I really want to start going to bellydance again. It’s a little pricey, but I’d be willing to make a few budgetary cuts to make it work. I just can’t afford a babysitter AND the class and I hate to ask anyone I know, love, and respect to staying in a dark house with a sleeping baby on Friday nights for free.

Smoothie-Friendly Blender
I know, I’ve asked for this before and I have a simply divine KitchenAid food processor [that I use for making scrub] but I’d be living off smoothies alone if I just had an actual blender blender. Please send a durable one that has great consumer reviews because I plan to use this a lot.

A Book Agent
I’ve got a collection of essays I’d like looked at by someone who could work with me about possibly getting it published [one day]. I know how to go about getting an agent, but I just don’t have time to do the networking and auditioning required to find a good one. Recommendations?

5 Buyers
I’m working in sales and haven’t had a bite yet. I’d love a little help in that area if at all possible. And if you can split the interests, I’d love to have a successful soft-launch of the sugar scrub during February. Feel free to pick the spread as you see fit, but even a little help in either of these markets is greatly appreciated. Maybe more if you feel like making up the difference from last year.

New Running Shoes
Not that I do that much cardio [yet,] but I’ve had these for about three years and the various attempts at a workout regimen have shot the support in my beloved New Balances.

And The Usuals List:
Netflix subscription
Gas Card
3-month pass for WW
Benefit Cosmetics gift card
Michael’s Crafts gift card
Small-town coffee shop/used bookshop (in my name, please)
Round-trip ticket to Melbourne, AUS.
Old Cineplex (also in my name, please. I’ll take care of the small business loans.)