My spirit-sister texted me at 2 a.m. this morning to see if I wanted to do a bicoastal meditation session like we’d been wanting to for a couple months now, even though she thought I probably wouldn’t be up. However, I’d been caught up in my brain pummeling me with what seemed to be a marathon of self-loathing that has been plaguing me for a while now in a pit that seems to be slowly deepening. I immediately agreed and went about setting up the ritualistic sacred space accouterments.
We set an end-time and started tuning in, but my brain just wouldn’t stop with the shit-talking and panic and sadness. I found myself begging my Higher Power for a little peace.
“Please take this from me. I feel so lost and removed from anything spiritual. I feel so disconnected and alone. I can’t stop failing. I can’t keep myself consistent. I can’t commit to anything. I am so ashamed. I am so sorry. I am so sorry.”
It didn’t take long before I was doubled over, crying, and just begging for a a moment’s peace. In the recent weeks, all my meditations have been constantly interrupted with inner noise, even though I’ve been throwing myself into conscious living techniques to no avail. I suddenly felt desperate that it wouldn’t happen despite my best efforts.
Something caused me to engage with a vision and I watched it play out until I was interrupted by my cat at the exact time we were due to wrap up the session.
My friend and I were both pretty exhausted, but she wanted to tell me the important parts of her meditation before she went to bed so she wouldn’t forget them. In hers, she saw me chanting, “Semper domus. Semper erasmus.“, which is strange because she doesn’t speak “Greek or Latin or whatever that was.” Neither do I.
My online searches were quick to return answers. These phrases directly translate to, “Always home. Always loved.”
I couldn’t stop myself from sobbing in the presence of such profound Grace.
My mind and body are at peace right now.