This will seem ironic as a whole given the forum I’ve chosen to express this in, but the worst part of the last month is that I can’t write. Actually, that’s been going on for a while. I can vent emotion, but even that turns into regurgitating feelings into different vernacular. My inspiration has been sapped. Even with a prompt, I feel no desire to write from my heart. Assignments take at least three times longer than necessary, as I over contemplate every word and make simple sentences loopy, convoluted detours to the simplest of thoughts.
I don’t feel the need to write, which, for me, feels like I’m just going through the motions of my days. I’ve written every day since I was 6. It’s something I did whether I meant to or not; I never had to think about it – words filled up my margins, my spare time, my fleeting thoughts that wound up on napkins, the palm of my hand, receipts. Now there’s nothing. I feel emotionally mute. My thoughts are stilted, uninspired… pedantic at best, with a gun to my head. There are no mental sparks anymore, just a warm glow to remind me that the subconscious is, at least, still running the basic maintenance routines. My creative mind is blank and hollow. All I hear are echoes when I call inside to invite it to play.
It scares me.