I’m sure this is going to be one of those entries that just seems redundant and formulaically identical to dozens of others I’ve written. That’s fine. I’m going to write it anyway because it’s important to me, but I thought I’d give a “heads up” in case you wanted to check out early.

Anyway, I’m sure that if I wasn’t in perpetual recovery from The Crazy and The Drinky, I’d get pretty annoyed hearing about someone else’s gratitude all the time. The thing is, it’s an imperative part of maintaining sanity and serenity and, just like taking self inventory, it’s something I have to do daily, probably until my heart stops permanently. And, even though it gets really old sometimes and there are days where I’m convinced that there’s nothing worth being happy about and I’m just so annoyed at the whole glassy-eyed optimist mentality and just decide to take a hiatus and be whiny and cynical, (I feel that when these breaks are deliberate and limited, they’re actually pretty healthy) I do understand the necessity of reminding myself what’s good in my life on a regular basis. (Oh, but then I have guilt issues and the “I’m not worthies” but I’m working on finding a balance. One day at a time, here.) And it’s no secret that I’ve been really happy in the last couple years. Happier than I believe I’ve ever been.

A couple months ago, I hit a really rough patch within my personal family affairs and I got really scared that my whole life was going to make a drastic change and I’d be making [yet another] unplanned detour. (I won’t go into specifics publicly, but it’s still in the process of working itself out, although there is a huge shift in the tone and I’m feeling very optimistic and refreshed about it. So things have changed, but not as terribly as they could have.) In that time, I really began to feel like an idiot, like maybe I’d been deluding myself with all the great things that have been going on for almost 3 years and ignoring things that made my life decidedly not so great. I began to feel really foolish and naive with the idea that “Reality” had blindsided me again and here I was, facing “The Truth” that I probably should’ve noticed before it all came to a head. I genuinely began to believe that this whole “Attitude of Gratitude” mantra I’d been taught was, in actuality, just some brainwashing technique used by psychologists and AA members to gloss over the crappiness of life and help keep us moving forward. And, as someone who made an 11-year career of constant, clinical negativity and hopelessness, it was easy for my mind to gang up on me and start convincing myself of all of that again. This was only exacerbated by an exterior sense of helplessness as the few friends I confided in didn’t know what to say except that they were there to listen (which is appreciated, of course) and the one who decided not to acknowledge it at all (not appreciated) and my withholding information from those family members who weren’t involved [as that only plants seeds of doubt and side-choosing and other drama I don't need/want.] It got to be a lot, especially as it seemed like a culmination of months and months of self-delusion coming to attack me again. And the very last thing I wanted to do was perpetuate that by going back to thinking about things that I was grateful for.

(Okay, and, yes, I realize that keeping the “Attitude of Gratitude” doesn’t mean ignoring problems and it just means that keeping it will help me avoid a world-weary cynicism that will drive me to drink to excess and I need to address problems in an objective fashion. I know this. I do this. I was just having a tough time at that point.)

But the really amazing part of that situation is that I didn’t have to. I didn’t have to sit down and angrily scribble out things that I’m grateful for when I really didn’t feel like it. Not to sound like a nutjob, but within a few weeks the clouds had parted, the sun was shining and I felt my heart flooded with gratitude for every single thing going on in my life right now again, without me having to work at the optimism. It was almost like the Rulers of My New Post-Pregnancy Happy Life decided to show me that they were going to keep making things awesome regardless of whether or not I was trying to convince myself that they were. Like, “Hey, look. Even when you believe that your delusions are the only thing keeping things Good and it’s really not, we’re here to actively prove you wrong! You’re welcome!”

Cooooool!

And I know that there are always going to be crappy, awful, life-altering things that come along but there’s an element of security in the idea that the Universe has my back and honestly wants me to keep moving forward and being blissful.