I’ve started having a real problem with materialism. Like, a real problem.

Which, I’ll admit, is a complete change of direction from my early-20’s Self. In those lost, confused days I spent thousands of dollars on absolute crap in one of those textbook cases of trying-to-find-oneself-and-fill-the-void-with-tangible-crap-and-when-that-didn’t-work-and-the-high-came-down-going-out-and-doing-it-all-again. I maxed-out credit cards, held a lot of value on name brands and products that didn’t cater to mass appeal and considered my romantic endeavors to be worthwhile and decent so long as they afforded me material benefits. Pretty sick.

And then about 2 years ago, I found myself sitting at the exact opposite side of that spectrum… and kind of glad I was there. See, after I got out of that crazy overspending-for-happiness spell, I kind of thought that that was just something that everyone goes through for a short while and then just moves away from as they get older. So I was really quite appalled when I looked around and realized that it just isn’t. In a big big way. ‘Specially in this country.

I’m not saying I’m better than so many people in our society who place all their personal worth on the things that they own and the houses they’ve been able to afford, but I’ve gotten to a point where I’m literally disgusted and disturbed by people who live lavish lifestyles. I’ve had a number of people in my immediate life who fit this bill (I’m being vague here for a reason) and have, in a way, been born and raised within this mentality that one isn’t anything of noticeability unless they’ve acquired a luxurious lifestyle of excess. It was only a few years ago when I visited the sprawling mansion of one of these close acquaintances that I started honestly believing that these may be the most ignorant of any.

Selfish, if nothing else. I don’t understand how people can consciously be aware of the millions of people living in starvation and poverty around the globe and are still able to justify owning multiple vehicles and millions of dollars in jewelry “because [they] deserve it.” I can’t seem to wrap my head around how these people are able to sleep at night only having given to charities as a means to have something to write off on their tax forms. I’m even having a problem dealing with people who have more than what they need just to have it… including myself. I think the reality of this society we live in is starting to really sink in with me; like the veil has dropped and the absurdity of our lifestyles have really started showing their faces.

Since this mentality started, I’ve begun having a problem spending money on anything that isn’t imperative to my daily survival. When my husband buys little projects for the sake of home improvement, I kind of go nuts, even with things as tiny as a $30 shelf or a $15 film to put on the window by our front door. I’ve recognized that the house where I live is far more than we as a three-person family really need and I spend a lot of time swatting away the notion that I, too, still subscribe to this mentality that just because I exist, I deserve material rewards. Any argument against this from outsiders has begun to sound like redundant justifications from other brainwashed supporters of the insanity.

I started noticing the ridiculousness of our pride-in-stuff-acquired society when I had a friend come to visit from Australia. He remarked at how ridiculous it was that everysingle person felt that their belongings deserved attention and acclaim, prompted by the scores of plywood-framed houses sprouting up in my neighborhood. To an outsider, it seemed insane that a family would put themselves in debt for a shoddily-constructed house all for the sake of pride and social status. Not only had I never stopped to think about this, I was unbelievably embarrassed that this practice was just a part of social normality that I’d never bothered to question. Just like with plastic surgery; we openly accept the mutilation and medical restructuring of our bodies as a part of accepting ourselves and building our own self-worth. What in the hell!?!? That is crazy.

I can’t afford to share a lot; we’re still working to keep our heads barely above water. But I give where I can as I can’t sleep at night knowing that, even with all the struggles I have, there are people out there who would consider mine a dream lifestyle. I do not deserve this any more than they. I know this.

And yet I can’t help but judge when I hear people rave about how “generous” Oprah is. Give me a break; the woman is worth billions upon billions of dollars, owns three mansions (last I checked it was just her and a possible boyfriend living in said mansions… temporarily) and devotes her lifestyle to glorifying other people’s struggles and making more money for herself. Her “generous” acts are tiny drops in the bucket and always accompanied with plenty of self-acclaim in which she flaunts herself as this amazing benefactor to perpetuate this angelic image of hers and thus, make more money. And these are the people America worships. These are the idols so many housewives and gay men strive to model their lives after. Disgusting. What sickens me even more is that this is the exact insanity that we as a nation insist upon pressing on other societies and scoffing at those who refuse to stoop to such superficial levels.
… Well, that’s not helpful. Wasting my time judging and loathing the lifestyles of others doesn’t automatically make me better or more self-aware… I know this. And spending so much time recoiling and feeling heartache at the society that breeds this isn’t going to allow me to start feeling safe and emotionally calm regardless of my surroundings.

But still, it’s something I’ve started having a real real problem with. Last Christmas I felt awkward receiving trite, superficial gifts from people as every little trinket seemed so pointless in the grand scheme of things. I just kept thinking “This money could’ve been spent so much more productively.” whenever I was handed anything, no matter how small.

I don’t know; I’ve been wanting to get away from this and try to at least move my own actions toward a more productive, less self-servicing lifestyle for a while but often feel like having a child to provide for and keep safe, my options are relatively limited. I guess all I have the option of changing is the way I deliver this society to her and the ways I refuse to perpetuate the insanity of materialism to those around me… no matter how superior they may have convinced themselves that they are.