There’s a lot of fending off Fear in parenting, I’ve found. There’s the fear that they’re going to get sick or very very sick and there’s nothing you can do about it. There’s the fear that they’re going to hurt themselves beyond repair. There’s the fear that they’re going to leave too many stains on the rug of your rental house to get the deposit back…

But, strangely, the biggest fear I’ve dealt with recently is the horror of trying to find a playgroup to join. It’s far past time for Chloe to start socializing and every time she’s been around other kids, I’ve been so proud of her. She’s gentle and generous, she always gives toys to others instead of being That Brat who snatches them away, and she’s always giggling and friendly without invading anyone’s personal space. It’s been great and I’m the idiot beaming with pride and gushing about it later to anyone who will listen. (Like you, dear reader.)

So what’s all the noise about? I don’t know, I’m usually a pretty sociable person, but this whole socializing thing freaks me out on a couple levels.

 1) Leaving my daughter in a Mother’s Morning Out program for three hours with a bunch of strangers makes my heart hurt a little. What if she gets scared? What if she gets ignored? What if some stupid little brat hits her and she just wants her mommy to hold her for a second and let her know it’s okay? Even now when I think about it, my eyes are welling up with tears like I’m some sort of codependent mother with nothing else going on in her world but her baby… But maybe that’s who I am these days… Anyway, identity crisis aside, I’m just nervous and I’m sure I’ll spend the first few MMO’s sitting outside the building watching through the window the whole time like some creepy mommy-stalker.

2) Every group of moms I’ve come across have been a little too Stepford-Wife-y for my taste. (I’m sorry but I’m just not going to wear a sweater set and pearls to a playdate on a playground and I’m definitely not going to fork out $50 at Baby Gap so my kid can ruin it in 10 minutes, just so she doesn’t look like a vagrant in comparison to the other kids.) All superficiality aside, however, I’ve noticed that a lot of women go to two extremes.

First, there are the moms who have dropped everysinglething in their life to devote all their time and energy to their children. Now, while I respect this a lot and hope to do a little of that myself (selflessness is something I aspire to daily), I find it’s hard to build a real connection with these types of moms because they seem so insipid and devoid of any real personality at all. Plus, there’s the absurd parenting notions I’ve run across and the whole judgment thing when I disagree with a method someone else is trying to push on me. Ugh…

Then there is the other end of the spectrum with the moms who treat their kids like accessories. This is incredibly judgmental of me but I think I have a valid reason so just hear me out. These are the parents I hate most of all. It’s one thing to have to work and not be around your children every second of the day, but those parents who don’t have to work and leave their kids with a nanny all day every day just so they can go get their nails done or meet up with friends every day for lunch make me sick. (I do know some of these.) And then there are those parents who work all the time but, instead of spending their off time with the kids, they’re going out every night or having other adults without kids over for dinner to flaunt their progeny like little trophies of accomplishment. The REASON I can’t stand these parents is because I’ve found that, when I talk to them, they kind of look down on my lifestyle of, y’know, getting to know my child on a personal level and being an active part of her early growth and development. They act like this is a foolish or unimportant way to spend my life and I often walk away feeling like I should be ashamed because I don’t put all my energy into my career or having a social life or other upward mobility. (Which I’m not. At all.) It’s more than a bit defeating to be around that sort of eliticism and those undertones of negativity. I don’t want to be around people who act like it’s the norm to treat other humans like side projects or hobbies and expect me to do the same.

So yeah, I have a couple concerns and reasons for trepidation but I know that if I want a kid with personality and the ability to stand her ground, I’m in for a lifetime of exposing her to all the assholes and bitches of the world and I’m just going to have to learn how to deal with their parents as well.

I’m not totally pessimistic though. I have a lot of friends who are really good parents, who have real personalities and are proud of their family-oriented lifestyle. However, most of these friends live too far for regular get-togethers or their kids are not of the age where they would enjoy being around a 17-month old. So, except for the occasional visit, I’m back at square one where flinging myself into what feels like the deep end [but is really the kiddie pool] is an imperative step to take. Soon.

And next I get to worry about her starting playschool in the fall. Jesus, I’m going to have to start asking for Xanax…