I’ve been a total slackass for the last decade or so.

It’s pathetically true, actually. I took every single allowed absence in every single class I took throughout the 15 semesters I attended various universities (including summer school.) The week of my high school graduation I had a 38 average in my math class and somehow convinced the teacher to let me retake every test from the semester. I finished with an 85 average.

I could keep going, but I think I’ve made my point. I am notorious for falling through on really important responsibilities because “I just don’t feel like it.” and then coming up with a million lies and excuses in sad attempts to save face. Gross.

Excitedly, that horrible habit of mine has been sllooooowly subsiding since Chloe arrived so much so that people actually take for granted that I’ll do what I say I’ll do 98% of the time. It’s nice! Since this last bout of depression cleared up, however, this unslackiness has been abruptly dumped by the wayside and I’ve been driven in a way that I have not seen in myself in a long long time.

And it’s not a manic spell like I had when I first started the New Meds, either. I’m not unable to sit still or having crazy feelings of grandeur or anything. I’m still able to sit down and relax with my family and meditate with a clear mind. But I’ve been busy all day, every day for the last few weeks, working fervently on three specific Big Projects [and two notable but Minor Projects] that are going to help hurdle my family far far forward and upward. (I’ll explain more in detail on the Private Blog. Sorry…) They will, of course, require some outside influences in order to completely implement, but I’m really impressed with my determination and drive to actively go after these things. Finally.

And, also! Even though I’m dealing with these unbelievable stomach pains still (and couldn’t get in to see a specialist because the incompetent receptionist botched my appointments after two days of nagging her to… :: sigh ::) and numerous sleepless nights, I’m still pushing forward. And THAT would neeeever have happened a couple years ago. Never ever. Not. Ever. (Seriously, I’m the girl who, while living with her parents, would drive to school and sleep in her car because she didn’t want to hear flak about sleeping in and missing class. Bad.)

The OTHER other big thing accompanying all this is that for the first time in Idon’tevenknow, I’m so occupied with this wave of proactivity that I haven’t spent a fraction of the time that I usually would pondering the elusive or delving into my innermost feelings or becoming emotionally absorbed in anything that isn’t directly related to me. I know that sounds pretty self-centered, but I’m still writing letters to friends and the little girl in Peru that I sponsor and that lady in prison I mentioned earlier, so I’m not totally walled into myself. It’s just nice to have a little relief from the incessant banter in my head. I can’t remember the last time that happened.

Again, I’ll quit being so damned vague when I have some definite destinations for this momentum we’re creating around my little household, but I feel really good about things recently. And I feel like I have purpose and the motivation to get there. And the peace to work efficiently.

Holy crap. Maybe I shoulda gotten knocked up before now.