I have two ex boyfriends that, somehow, I have found the mental peace and inner stability required to call them my friends.

…No, seriously… Like, real friends. Not just I’m-just-being-polite-because-I-don’t-want-anymore-drama-but-I-secretly-still-loathe-you friend.

The first of these two is a man in which I engaged in a brief but passionate affair with while I was studying abroad and continued after a strange, hurtful break when he came to visit me at my home in the United States. He still calls me every month to engage in hours-long conversations in which we discuss our lives, our plans, and our general opinions on life, love, happiness, etc. The second is a man that I experienced the single most tumultuous, agonizingly drawn-out, painful relationship one could fathom for the bulk of my teenage-through-early-20’s career. These days we’re able to sit across a table together and discuss, without animosity or residual resentment, the goings-on of our personal lives and the vast changes we’ve seen in our lives since we parted ways. And yes, the fact that I am able to maintain these sorts of relationships in a healthy forum is staggering to me.

Without the former trappings of passionate emotional attachment, we are able to return to that place where we can enjoy the company of the other and the very characteristics that attracted us to the other in the first place. From this distance, I am able to observe the successes and failures of their personal lives without any of the anger, jealousy, frustrations and other personal damages I would’ve inevitably felt when their lives were shared with my own. While I’m able to empathize or sympathize with their particular situations, the freedom of not taking anything about their actions personally is incredibly liberating, especially when compared to the dynamic of the love affairs we conducted previously.

Alright, admittedly I’m always prone to wanting to share my general opinions on their behaviors, situations, lifestyles, choices, etc. However, instead of the relentless nagging I tend toward in my desire to change and remedy the situation, I’m more able to step back and lend my advice/perspective without disgust or disdain or even judgment to their characters. Having experienced and forgiven the human flaws they naturally carry through the intimacy of a romantic relationship, I’m free to observe and react from the perspective of someone who is familiar with their habits.

Man, that’s a nice change. What a friggin’ relief.

Me, however… I’m one of those neurotic types who has to have answers and closure and the comfort of wrapping everything that may potentially be left-over or unresolved up in a great big bow. So, embarrassingly, I’m compelled to poke and prod around through their psyche, pestering them with questions regarding their motives and feelings and all sorts of other incidental bullshit that genuinely doesn’t matter in the grand scheme of things and certainly doesn’t usually exist between old friends.

Neither of these men have ever turned the tables on me to inquire into the depths of my mind, which I more or less attributed to their histories of lack of interest in me or learning about my inner self (this goes back to my ever-present desire to be with someone who longed to know everything there ever was to know about me. I’ve talked about it. No need to rehash.), but one of the two, when asked, was quick to respond that he was genuinely just happy to get to talk to me again after all the bullshit that obstructed our communication for so long. Perhaps my personal exposure would come forward as we built more comfort and confidence in this foreign new relationship, but he wasn’t willing to risk any more altercations in order to probe with pointed questions. Hunh.

Mostly, though, these relationships have provided me with some of the most rewarding compliments and reassurance of my character of my life. With the understanding that there’s no need for manipulative tactics or glossing over personal faults in the typical traditions of seduction or romantic pursuit, real honesty can freely come forward regarding our feelings and opinions of the other without fear of rejection or sleeping alone. And, in that, I’ve learned a lot about the attractiveness of my company, the joy others find in conversations with me, even when there’s absolutely nothing to gain from interacting with me. Knowing that compliments and flattery have no personal benefit for these men when addressed to me, they still take the time to slide a genuine one in from time-to-time, which carry far more weight than any they may have uttered when we were romantically involved.

So yeah. In a shocking change of mind and events, taking the time to heal and befriend my exes has been far more rewarding than I ever could have predicted. I’m glad I took the time to heal and forgive on my own, but these friendships have instilled in me a great amount of confidence in my ability to forgive and let go. Which, as you may have noticed, have always been giant obstacles of mine.

Naturally, while my husband is supportive of any forward movement that allows me to heal and grow, he’s not necessarily welcoming any former lovers into our home anytime soon. These exes will always remain exes to him, and thus, will only be able to be friends who sit at my periphery. And frankly, I’m perfectly okay with that. I’m always afraid that anything closer would enable the flammability of those relationships that I’ve been burned by far too many times already. Even though I have confidence in the motives and intentions of both men, it’s better to keep these relationships at a safe distance from myself, my life, and my family to negate any possible risk of hurting the life I’m presently submerged in and quite happy with. These are things I consciously know but, of course, aren’t rehashed or even discussed much, as though we’ve just accepted that these salvaged relationships are only able to survive when contained in a surrealistic realm. But then, I try not to waste time pondering the small tragedy of this circumstance, lest I find myself engaging in more drama… which negates the entire purpose in the first place… so forget I said anything.

Okay, so I’m rambling. The point is, I’m genuinely surprised at how happy I feel with the peaceful friendships I’m able to share with these men and, even moreso, the rewards and benefits I’ve received from these relationships. It’s pretty amazing, actually.