The result for this 46-year-old for a life of frankness is that her circle of friends is full of people who know without hesitation that I’ve got their backs and genuinely care about them.

And that they can ask me how something looks, and if it makes their butt look too big I’ll say so!

The Four Agreements tells us that we’re just secondary players in everyone else’s reality, just like they are in ours, and that we have to learn stuff for ourselves. I’m not entirely sure how expressing your opinion/doubt about someone or someone’s significant other could HELP, like this dude in AA. I mean, she MUST know that she’s taking a risk in getting back together with him, and what the possible repercussions are. And she’s choosing to make that leap anyway. I would imagine that, despite your own opinions or predictions, what she’d do best with would be unconditional love and support from her friends (unless it turns out to be physically DANGEROUS for her to be in that relationship).

I know someone going through some of this right now, as he’s in the process of divorcing his wife of 26 years , selling his house, and leaving the city he’s lived in for 26 years and finding a job down here in California. His close friends are supportive, but he’s also getting a bit of societal-judgment kickback from other people who are supposed to be his friends. He’s not taking it personally, but I still think it’s kinda crappy that they’re judging him for something they can’t know what’s inside him.

And I think that’s it– it’s judging people when we can’t really know them. If someone’s in physical danger, or doing actual real harm to themselves, sure I’d jump in and steal their needles or get them locked into a 72-hour hold or whatever. Or kidnap them from their abusive spouse. But, just in terms of things that appear (to us) to be bad decisions, I’m not sure there’s much of a leg to stand on.

If someone ASKED my opinion, I might discuss it with them and ask questions to clarify things. But I’d never actually be like “Look, I think you’re doing something that’s gonna turn out sucky”. I’d maybe just be supportive and positive as I could be without lying, because I don’t think that being positive and encouraging can ever end up too badly.