For Christmas and her birthday, the Bear got a tiny tutu and toddler-sized fairy wings from different relatives that just happen to match. Because she’s been sick all week and the weather has been crappy, all she’s wanted to do is wear those two things over her clothes and watch “Tinkerbell” on repeat. Okay, granted it’s pretty adorable, especially when Selena Gomez kicks in with the theme song during the credits and I’m ordered to “Dance! Dance!” along with the tiny spinning blonde fairy in my den. It’s magical and cute and makes me gush over with happy feelings about being a mom and having a little girl and all that mushy gunk I’d hate on anyone else.

However, the cuteness of her attire is wreaking havoc on my already-weak disciplinary resolve. It’s hard enough for me to tell her “No” or to take her away from potentially hazardous things she desperately wants to be entangled in, but this week it’s been particularly difficult, especially when I try to turn off “Tink! Tink!” and get her to do something other than staying glued to the television.

And this week I learned that I’ve never felt like more of a monster than when I have to make a tiny baby fairy cry.

::sigh::

If it wasn’t so pitiful it’d be hilarious.

I’m taking a Tyler Durden mental approach to this business thing, more from necessity than from wanting to seem hip.

For me, this sugar scrub business is a lot of fun (well, the developing-of-products is moreso than the filing-taxes-and-paperwork), but it isn’t my passion. It’s a great product that I’m proud of and would encourage anyone to buy if they’re in the market for that sort of thing because I really think it trumps a lot of the competition for exceptional quality and price (except Skin and Tonic. She’s got an amazing product, fantastic, innovative scents, great prices and a sparkling, rad personality to boot. I’m glad we’re friends or I’d be terrified of her as a competitor.), but it’s not what I want to spend my life producing or working to share with the world. I don’t stand behind quasi-pricey bath and body products nearly as strongly as I stand behind so many other things.

I’m going to have to go into detail with this in another forum because my personal opinions about capitalism and consumerism shouldn’t be made public when I’m trying to launch a business, but my plan/objective is to make the scrub company successful enough to support our life’s dreams. I want to go back to school, my husband wants to start a company and we both want to take the Bear to see the world and own some land and work to live off the grid eventually. Ideally, the company would become a wild success and I could sell it for a bundle of dough and spend my life going to school and writing and wandering the globe with my family and working wherever I want to, but for right now, my goal is to make it a thriving side-project to my main agenda that will eventually include everything I just mentioned.

Like the Paper Street Soap Company, Yum in the Tub is only serving to fund something much bigger and more important, although I’m not planning on blowing anything up.

The Bear woke up this morning with a fever of 104.1 (F… duh.) We had a tepid bath, some aceteminophen and went downstairs to try out some juice (to no avail.) During WordGirl (8:00 a.m.) she was at 100.3 and doing okay and was still alright by Sesame Street (10 a.m.) - only a little lethargic and curmudgeonly - so I went into the kitchen to unload the dishwasher while she watched the TV from the couch. Ten minutes later, I poked my head into the den only to find that she’d crawled onto the floor, curled up in a little ball and gone back to sleep. I put her back to bed and kept checking on her at a manic every-5-minutes. The temperature started escalating again, so I called the doc, flung the Bear in the car and drove 30 miles to my pediatrician (I have my reasons for going this far.) She was just pitiful in the waiting room and completely unlike herself; she was curled up on my lap with her eyes half-mast (but not sucking her thumb), her eyes were downcast and red and she made little whimpers whenever I tried to move her. I would talk to her and she would repeat whatever word I emphasized (”We’re going to the doctor.” “Doc-tow.”) but there was none of the incessant babbling I was shocked to realize that I missed. She’s diagnosed with strep throat, we get some antibiotics and well-wishes, we drive the 30 miles back home and we plunk ourselves down to rest and watch more “Pooh”.

This may sound terrible of me but I secretly loved what happened for the rest of the afternoon. From 3 until about 6, the Bear laid against my chest, curled up and drifting in and out of sleep. (She was usually disturbed by my incessant temperature checks.)

Ever since she was little, I’ve never been able to get her to go asleep in my arms. Not ever. Not when she was a baby, not when she was teething, not when she’s been about to pass out at the end of the day. It’s one of those things that tears me up inside as her mother but, because she relies on me for so many other things and shows adoration in other ways, it doesn’t bother me too much. However, my mom can always get the Bear to settle down and fall asleep and there’s a really stupid, petty, catty side of me that’s been envious of that, even though my mom never does it to spite me.

Today, she laid in my arms for hours and didn’t move until just after 6, when her fever jumped to 105.1 and we had to plunk her into another tepid bath. (did not like.) Afterward, I took her into her bedroom and rocked her in the rocking chair for longer than she’s ever let me. When I thought she’d fallen asleep, I let the arm that wasn’t supporting her drop to my side a little. Immediately, she reached up to my shoulder and ran her hand along the outside of my arm, pulling it around her again. She didn’t even open her eyes.

I leaned in and whispered, “I love you, Bear” and I heard her say - very, very quietly - “Ah yahzz yoo, Mama.”

Today might be the best day of my whole life.

I kinda hate how being charitable has become a bit of a trend in that people will buy things just because the manufacturer claims that .05% of the proceeds go to curing dyslexia in chimps or something. I like doing things for people but only when I feel like I’m actually DOING something. That’s not to say that I have to get a Thank You note from everyone at St. Jude’s just because I send them an annual Christmas donation… I just like knowing that when I do something nice for someone else, it’s actually going to directly benefit someone. This is why I give blood to the Red Cross, for example. Because it’s far less likely for someone to embezzle my Type O+ than my spare change.

ANYWAY. Christmas always makes me get extra bloody-hearted and, in addition to sending my Compassion sponsored child a little something, I always kinda go a little nuts on the overzealous giving. (Except with the Salvation Army because those bastards won’t help anyone without legal immigration papers… ‘Cause that’s what Christ was about, apparently: shafting kids from decent Christmases because their parents brought them into a foreign country without proper documentation… grumblegrumblegrumble…) And I tend to get a little preachy about the need to share love with other people, even moreso than usual.

So here are my Top 3 Picks for Nice Things You Can Do for a Real Person 2009:

Help The Vereen Family
After developing preeclampsia and HELPP Syndrome during her first pregnancy, Katie Vereen had to give birth to her twin daughters at MUSC (Charleston, SC) after only 24 weeks in gestation. Randi Katherine and Hayden Marie were born on November 27, 2009, both weighing little more than 1 lb. each. Although in need of immediate intensive care, the girls were joyful arrivals for Katie and husband Jon. Despite fighting a hard battle, Randi passed away on December 2. Hayden and Katie continue fighting for full recovery and are staying strong thanks to prayers and love from friends and family. The Vereen Family Fund was created to help pay for medical expenses as well as gas for Jon to drive to and from the Vereens’ home in Myrtle Beach to see his wife and daughter as often as possible.

All proceeds made at my Yum in the Tub shop from December 11-18 will go directly to this foundation and I’ve even marked down prices to $9 per jar or 2 for $15.

However, if you are interested in donating directly to the Vereen family without making a scrub purchase, please contact me at liz.ps@live.com.

Make a Soldier’s Wishes Come True
Get your head out of the gutter. I’m talking about filling a wishlist for a soldier of any gender who is stationed overseas during the holidays. On AnySoldier.com soldiers post requests for things they’d love to have filled by a Good Samaritan who may be up to the task. The requests from gals abroad range from practical things like toothpaste and tampons to more fun items like mascara or scented lotions which can be a real luxury while working in the trenches.

Send a Stranger a Christmas/Holiday Card

While finding a random address in the phone book to send a card to is always fun, there are people out there who are genuinely grateful to get holiday greetings. A popular organization I send cards through from time to time is MakeAChildSmile.org that allows volunteers to write cheerful mail to seriously ill children to read while they’re being treated. There’s also HugsAndHope.org and Post Pals that are similar in concept. I’ve only gotten a few responses, which is expected with these kids’ busy schedules and general weaknesses from treatments, but it only costs a couple bucks to pick up a coloring book and some crayons and give a kid something to do instead of staring at hospital walls.

Also, being a fan of writing to incarcerated women, I always find 5-10 inmates on death row to send some holiday-season cheer to through WriteAPrisoner.com. (No, I’m really not kidding.) Through the website you can see what they’re in for, what they look like, whether or not they’re soliciting money or legal help from strangers, etc. I’ve always chosen straight women (as opposed to men or women interested or looking for other women… like I need that kind of drama) on the other side of the country incarcerated for life sentences, who aren’t on the site for any other reason than because they’re lonely to say “Happy holidays!” to and have only gotten grateful responses. (As opposed to negative ones.) It sounds weird and off-putting, but these are the people who are most often forgotten during the holidays and some of them really have become different people in the slammer. (Although some definitely haven’t, which is why I write to people far far away.)

Dear Santa/Hanukkah Harry/Kwanzaa Kringle/Oprah,

Below are the things I really would love to have but am not asking anyone for this year in fear that I will look greedy, materialistic and frivolous. Besides, my wish list for friends and family already include a new dresser, an office chair, replacement lenses for my glasses and a bulky winter coat and winter boots for the Bear; I really don’t want them to get distracted by these superficial, shiny things that I really really don’t need instead of helping me out with the things I/we do.

However, since this is a season of miracles, here’s what I’ve got. Again, none of these are imperative and I know you and the Birthday Fairy totally hooked me up last year so don’t take this as me being greedy or ungrateful. This is just silly, girly wishfulness coming out at midnight.

A Red IBM Selectric Typewriter

The year isn’t important, so long as it has the rounded corners (usually in the I series.) Green is an acceptable substitute. (If you can’t find one in either color, creative hand-painted designs are also acceptable.)

A Wax-Seal Set
Since I have dual last initials, I’d prefer something decorative for the stamp face (instead), although I’d like it to not be a fleur de lis.

A Kayak
I’ll also be needin’ a roofrack, life vests, stern lamp, paddle, travel doggie, etc. Preferably a kayak styled for distance, although it doesn’t have to be any longer than 18′ and certainly doesn’t have to be made by hand out of wood. I also don’t HAVE to have a certain brand but I do love Necky. Also, I’m cool with it being one of those “Ocean Kayaks” for now, since I have a little one who’ll probably join me for a few runs until she’s older.

A Really great smoothie recipe book

I don’t have time to sit around and try every book out. I just want one book of easy, inexpensive smoothies without crazy ingredients or prep methods. Is that too much to ask?!

Any of this Benefit stuff:

A Membership to the local Y
I’ve never paid for a gym membership before because I’ve been lucky enough to have them included wherever I’ve lived but I’d love one now, especially knowing that this spot has a free daycare center.

A Spa Day

Now more than ever. Preferably I’d like a facial, a massage, a kelp wrap, a chemical peel, my first pedicure and enough smoothies to drown out my daily stressors.

An Honest Investor

I’d love a couple grand to get this sugar scrub business in a place where I’m not always playing catch-up and don’t have to wait for a sale to stock up on stuff. Plus, I need a few marketing tools

A week at the John C. Campbell Folk School in North Carolina
This place is AMAZING. I’d love to spend a whole year there, learning glass-blowing and blacksmithing and book binding and pottery and baking and story-telling. But one week out of the year would be okay for now.

OR

Two weeks off for a roadtrip

I have about a dozen friends to whom I owe road trips. I have one friend in TN, one in VA, five in NY (state), 2 in L.A., one in Berkeley, one in FL… the list could ramble on. However, I’ve made definite “I WANNA DO A ROAD TRIP WITH YOU!!!” plans with one of my friends in NY and I would really really love it if someone would take over at home so I can run around the country like a crazy woman and stumble into rough roadhouses and get into trouble for a couple weeks with another adventurous free spirit-type. Just like I used to, except without the drinking and waking up in unexpected places. Please?

An affordable, reliable Psych.

I miss my old one, but I’m not about to drive 3 hours back to South Carolina every time I need a drug refill.

A House

I don’t need you to actually provide/pay for it, so much as shop around and find the perfect one so I don’t have to. I’d like it to be 3-bedroom, 2.5 bath, (at least) with a sunroom, a dining room, a big backyard, room for a garden, a two-car garage, plenty of storage, lots of sunlight and good soil and a fireplace. I need it to be in a nice, quiet area of town with lots of unspoiled kids in the neighborhood who are into Girl Scouting and lemonade stands and camping out in the backyard. Also, the more land the better.  A pond/lake, arbor, wrap-around porch, bay window, studio, verandah or balcony is always a welcome addition.

Tickets to see Gaga in NYC on my birthday
I know she’s nuts. I’m not even that big of a fan of her music so much as what she’s doing to the industry (refusing to let record companies make her all oversexualized… not being afraid to look ugly on purpose… really freaking people out without actually being obscene… It’s GREAT!) I just cannot imagine a more amazing party than to see her wrap up her N.American tour in her hometown. I wanna dress crazy and dust off my raver name and dance with beautiful gay men all night! Let’s do it! Oh and don’t worry; I got places I can crash, no sweat.

Gift cards to Amazon, Victoria’s Secret, Sephora, World Market and Michael’s Arts & Crafts
Any amount. Seriously.

This Sugar and/or Coffee Scrub business is doing really well. And all of this is very exciting and inspiring because I hadn’t thought anything about it until a few weeks ago and now I’m juggling it along with everything else i do full-time. And sales are great and the potential is huge and this is a perfect time of year to see if it has a place on a niche market and it’s good. I’m grateful. And excited.

The problem with all of this is that it’s um… a business. And I’m about the least business-minded person on the planet. I don’t do well with numbers, I don’t do well with ripping people off for more profits, I don’t do well with keeping up with files and inventory… THIS IS NOT MY FORTE! And I know that this isn’t even a huge business [yet] but it’s busy enough that I’m shopping around for wholesale supplies and setting up meetings with retailers and now I’m having to think about opening a whole extra checking account just for the scrub and what if I have to get a business license and then I’ll have to file taxes and ohmygod I don’t even know how to do basic-normal-people taxes… :::panting:::

I’m really trying not to get ahead of myself. I really am. I’m just making product as it’s being sold, making a few extra to sell while I’m out and about, etc. I’m going to do a small festival next month as a vendor (one of my friends offered me a free vendoring spot to try out my product in a basic-shopper environment) and if that works out then I might make myself a staple at the local farmer’s market this season… and maybe I’ll try to get myself in a couple local shops. But that’s IT for right now. Because if this thing gets huge and I get ahead of myself I WILL implode and I cannot handle that kind of stress at this age because I already have a child and we’re looking to buy a house and I really want to go back to school because making scrubs isn’t my passion and I’d like for it to be a means to achieve my higher goals but if I get swept up in all this then I’ll never do what I really want and I don’t believe in selling out like that even if this has potential to get really big because I don’t think that’s a worthwhile way to spend ones life and… :::panting:::

So I’m just taking this one step at a time. Tonight I will file my paperwork, balance my ledger, ready my packages to make a shipment tomorrow and go to bed. And I will not hyperventilate into a bag again.

I’m not gonna make a big, poetic stink about it but, after 20 years of consistently and unconsciously gnawing my nails, I’ve miraculously dropped the habit. (Seriously, I’ve tried everything in the past to stop. My mom even offered me $5 for every nail I didn’t chew in the 5th grade. I didn’t make a dime.) In fact, I’ve even been painting them a sheer-with-sparkles topcoat.

I didn’t even really notice I wasn’t biting them anymore until about 5 months ago I looked down and realized I had white tips on my nails. And I didn’t even want to immediately destroy them.

I’m sure this is a symptom of serenity or something.

It probably wasn’t noticeable from the exterior, but 2009 was perhaps the most monumental year I’ve had in a little more than a decade as far as my mentality and resulting general life course goes. I know that sounds terrible considering I had a child in 2007 and got married in 2008 but honestly, 2009 is when everything about who I was and what my life was about during the last 10-14-ish years drew to a close.

See, around the time my mind started messing with me in a clinical sense, some people that I deemed “Important” began to make me believe these negative things about myself that weren’t true. As the story goes, these beliefs lead to more profound false beliefs which fueled actions to back up the initial beliefs and then allowed me to believe more lies about my identity handed to me by predatory self-loathing idiots and it all just spiraled out of hand and turned into this huge mess in which I had successfully morphed myself into this godawful person I never actually should’ve believed I was in the first place. Since 2003-ish when I first started realizing what a mess I’d gotten myself into, I’ve been steadily trying to pick up the pieces, refigure everything out and clean up the catastrophic messes I made. (I’m not saying I’ve been successful the whole time since then, by the way. In fact, I spent the first couple years after that continuing to inadvertently botch things out of sheer habit and blurred vision.) And, in the last couple years or so, I’ve finally gotten to a place where I’m consistently happy and [relatively] stable enough that I can really look back on all of it and go “Okay, since this is the most sane I’ve ever been, let’s see if we can figure out exactly what the hell actually happened with a [relatively] clear perspective…”

Okay, looking back on things and overanalyzing them is nothing new for me. In fact, it’s been pretty damned exhausting hauling that neurosis around with me for over half my life. However, this time when I took a second (or a week) for retrospection, I actually felt this incredible sense of closure and profound relief.

No, it’s true! In the last year I’ve finally gotten over some people and events that not only don’t exist and/or don’t matter anymore but really never did matter to begin with. (Yes, I’m still a bit embarrassed that I built such a huge framework for my life out of complete bullshit, but I’m certainly not about to waste any more time feeling sorry about it or worrying about what I could’ve done differently.) A few months ago I even performed a little one-person ritual in which I identified all the lies and false authorities on which I’d built my self-worth and discarded them formally. (There was a lot of candle-lighting, stone-charging, body-cleansing and meditation involved.) And then I sat down and identified all the truths about myself and my life that I’ve always known and that people who love me have always been willing to support. And honestly, it felt like a complete mental molting of sorts.

But wait! That’s not all that happened this year! This year I finally (FINALLY) was able to make all the amends to people I’d hurt that I’d been needing to for many many years. I honestly never really wanted any sort of response or forgiveness from these few leftover people (although forgiveness is always welcome) but I just needed to know that I did all I could to at least deliver the genuine apology that was deserved, no matter how past-due. Somehow, not only did I get this knowledge of successfully delivered messages, but I was honestly listened to and respected by the recipients, my apologies heard and taken seriously. I was even granted forgiveness, which was the icing on the cake and the ice cream on the side. The feeling that I don’t owe anyone else an apology for anything is an incredible novelty to me and makes me value and choose my actions with impeccable care. (This is not to say I’m not going to offend people or step on toes ever again - I do it at least monthly. I just don’t make offending others an objective anymore.)

And, in addition to being liberated from this completely invisible fear-based “prison” of false beliefs I’d crafted around myself based on the opinions and actions of people who are worthless AND finding closure from my unbelievable cruelty in the past, I also was able to finally get away from Myrtle Beach/South Carolina, (which really turned out to be more of a symbolic liberation than a physical one as I’d finally gotten to a place where I adore(d) the people I’d chosen to surround myself with there.)

With all of these genuinely life-and-mind-altering events combined I was finally able to look at my life objectively and see - without guilt or denial or refusal - all the truths and blessings that are lying in my lap, this great existence that kind of just happened upon me and the realization that, if I don’t go and screw it all up (again) I have the potential to do whatever it is that I may want to do. (Figuring that out is another issue altogether.) And I have more loving friends than any human deserves cheering me on, so I kind of owe it to everyone who bothers to have faith in me as a human (including myself) to point myself in a direction and quit making whiny, self-loathing, fear-based excuses as to why “I can’t”. And now that I’m not wasting all my time hurting over the past and the idiots I let dominate it/me or trying to therapanize (new word alert!) my brain into normal, everyday functionality, I don’t really have any excuse not to.

So it seems like my reevaluation and life-participation in 2010 is a bit more important than usual. This being said, none of these completely-invisible-but-totally-important changes I’ve made in 2009 were on my Resolutions list, so I’m not going to base the rest of my existence on some list I scribble down in the next few weeks. However, with all the shit I’ve been able to throw out of my daily life in the last year and where that’s put me right now, I know I’ve got a lot more momentum going forward than I have in a really really long time. It excites me to dream about what that will allow me to do between now and 2012 when the world/existence comes to a screeching halt.* I’d better get started.

* No, I don’t believe that crap.

It just dawned on me that I’m one of those rare folks who doesn’t have a “One That Got Away.” I mean, I definitely had a handful of crushes that never turned into anything but I literally don’t have a single person from my past with whom I have a “Wonder what woulda happened if things had gone differently?” tone when I think about/encounter. Honestly.

Holy wow. There’s a neurotic quirk I happened to bypass instead of obsessively absorbing and grappling with for an exhausting majority of my life!? I should call my old therapist; this is going to hit the “Reset” button on her conclusions and diagnoses.

Alright, look, this wasn’t meant to be a pitch so much as a brief reader-friendly update but basically I’m working full-time trying to get this sugar scrub (now coffee, too!) company off the ground a little for the holidays.

I know, it sounds like I’m doing a lot between the writing and the sex-toy-selling and then this whole thing but a few weeks ago I got an email out of nowhere that a buyer for a spa in the mountains of NC was interested in buying my product and keeping it on her shelves. Elated, I made her a giant batch and updated my etsy.com page (since that was where she found me and if there were others like her out there I didn’t want to run them off with my lack of professionalism.) I had about 14 extra lying around and talked about them at a party I went to back in Myrtle Beach, expecting to sell one or two (maaaybe) the whole time I was there. Not only did I sell every jar I took with me, but I even took a few orders. So it seemed to me that maybe the Universe was giving me a heads-up on this one and so I’m kinda focusing on that for right now. I’m not hoping to turn this into a million-dollar company, but a few extra bucks for Christmas wouldn’t be bad.

So in the last 2 weeks I’ve made about 4 dozen different scrubs, developed brown sugar and coffee blends, taken and edited some more professional-looking photos, bought adspace on Facebook and etsy’s showcases and run myself ragged trying to find wholesale dealers of my supplies. (In the meantime, I’ve been making do with retail prices. Oooowwww.)

But look how adorable it is!

I wish it was edible... soooo much.

So anyway, it’s something that’s kinda taken off and is doing really well at the moment, which I honestly did not see coming at all. I’m going with it but this is not leaving me copious amounts of ramble time. Each jar requires me to handmake the scrub (hooray Cuisinart!) and scoop it in, dunk the jars in boiling water to melt off excess scrub from the exterior, print out the customized labels and Mod Podge them on, cut ribbon and tie around a wooden spoon to be tied around neck of jar. And THEN I have to hand-wrap each one extensively in bubble wrap that still doesn’t guarantee a shatter-proof delivery. If this somehow takes off I’m going to have to start commissioning friends to come create an assembly line in my kitchen.

So yes. Everything else is good. The Bear will be two in four weeks. I don’t have time to pontificate about why that’s scary and wonderful and magical and saddening all at the same time, but hopefully I’ve provided my consistent readers with enough material that they can glue the pieces of my overused language together to figure out what I’m probably going to drivel on about. (And, if that’s the case for you personally, remind me that I totally owe you dinner for patronizing my writing/rambling. Seriously, that’s cool of you.)