(How many Beck song titles can I knock off for blog entry titles? Sheesh)

I’ve realized that New Years Resolutions aren’t successful for a number of reasons, but the most important being that if you were really that adamant about making these personal changes, one wouldn’t wait until a specific date to start being a better person. This is why I’ve started my planned resolutions slightly before the new year begins, in order to integrate them into my daily habits and not act as if they are somehow stunts that I am pulling off only to abandon once they become difficult. Also, the following resolutions don’t include my actual personal goals for the year, as I have them written in my own calendars and agendas, but plan to share in the near future, once I get them all hammered out.

So yes. Here we are

New Year’s Resolutions 2009

1) Stop Swearing So Effing Much
My daughter’s getting of the age where she’s going to start picking words up and I really need to quit with such explicit language if I’m going to be around throngs of children for the next couple decades. Now would be a good time to start weaning myself off such a tacky, trashy habit as cursing… I was an English major, for Christ’s sake. Surely I can start flexing that vocabulary a little.

2) Make Daily Meditation a Morning Event
I do better when I set up my day positively than when I try to reflect on my day and try to salvage it as I’m going to bed. I have lots of affirmations, prayers, rituals, etc. that I enjoy and pull strength from daily, but feel they would best serve me in the morning. However, instead of trying to cram silent meditation, various sets of spiritual/psychological/personal/metaphysical affirmations, morning pages, tarot readings, pilates, and mediumship all into a 30-45 minute slot, I think just going with what I feel I most need on a daily basis is a realistic place to start with regards to starting a sun-welcoming ritual.

3) Stop Apologizing for Everything
Yes, I know that my need to apologize for existing shows weakness and is a product of me trying to find a balance between humility and healthy pride. However, I’ve gotta stop apologizing for every action, every notion, every sentence that I dare to expose because I’m creating this reality in which I’m afraid of actualizing myself and, even though that’s not what I want, my fear is becoming more and more evident with every meek apology I utter daily. So, only when it’s absolutely necessary will I apologize. And when I say something or do something that I stand behind, I will not apologize for or try to control someone else’s hurt feelings as those are not my responsibility or under my control. (See? AA stuff lasts a longlonglong time. Have I not mentioned that?)

4) Let Go of One Vice Per Month
I have more vices than I have hairs. I’m pretty embarrassed by most of them so I keep them under my toup for the most part, but I constantly realize my need to release most of these. However, when I try to abandon them all, I tend to fling myself back into them a few weeks down the road out of my fear of inevitable failure at such an unreasonable standard.
So I’m kicking one vice per month. One month I will give up that one-or-two cigarettes I’ve started having when I go out with my girlfriends fortnightly. Then the next month perhaps I’ll quit sodas altogether. And then maybe the next month I’ll finally stop delivering pent-up heartfelt diatribes to people who don’t actually give a shit about me. Then I’ll give up dragging myself over the “shoulda, woulda, couldas” every day (hopefully with the help of Resolution #2) And then the next month I’ll give up sweets… The idea is that if I can stay away from these habits of mine for a month, then they’ve been broken from my system and I can choose to keep them around in moderation or do away with them altogether (now that I know that I can.)

5) Love My Body
Alright, this one has been the hardest for me for the better part of two decades, so I don’t think I’ll cure it overnight, but maybe in one year I can make some progress. It sounds really stupid when I said it out loud earlier, but I’m never going to love my body if I don’t GIVE LOVE TO MY BODY.
I is astute.
Instead of talking down to my body and making me feel bad about what I look like, I’m going to take more care of me as an individual person. I’m eating better, fresher produce, I’m getting the exercise and activity that I need and I’m going to start enjoying my body for the force that it is, no matter where my weight lands at the end of the year. Ideally, I’d love to get rid of this same 30 lbs. I’ve whined about since high school, but really, I’d just like to get out and go kayaking and bellydancing again. And if I don’t get on a scale this whole year, that’d be perfectly fine with me.

That’s what I have at the moment. Again, these are just building blocks to help me reach bigger goals, but I think these are all obtainable and reasonable, knowing my level of discipline and wavering attention in recovery.

I’m guessing I should resist the urge to start a journal about this, too. Herhhmmm..