Attn: MSNBC, CNN, NBC, Reuters, BBC, CBS, and… FOXNews (if we must)

I’ll advise you to go ahead and cancel all other news stories today to make room to discuss my infant daughter recently STANDING UP ALL BY HERSELF without ANY exterior support from ANYONE for almost a WHOLE MINUTE!!!!!!

I will be issuing a press release shortly to cover details of this momentous occasion and field questions pertaining to Chloe (11 months old), who has been publicly recognized and critically lauded as The Most Beautiful, Brilliant, and Talented Person Ever to Inhabit the Globe. Please no shouting or flash photography around Ms. Pardue-Schultz and DO NOT bring up the Poopocalypse Incident of last September or all cameras and notes from the event will be confiscated and a press package will not be issued.

Thank you,
Castallare